Supporting children handle their emotions during and after a parental divorce or separation
All children are unique and will react differently to divorce or separation, but some key pointers can help you offer support, not forgetting the need to take good care of yourself.
Some children may be angry, sad, confused, hurt or upset. Other children will not show any noticeable reaction at all. In families where there has been a great deal of fighting between parents, children may feel relieved.
The most important thing you can do is validate these feelings and let children know that these feelings are normal. You can model healthy ways to express, experience and deal with your feelings too, your children look to you as a role model. For you to manage any difficult feelings and get through is a powerful message to children of all ages that they too, can feel and cope with these feelings. After all, being human involves feeling the whole range of emotions and learning to experience and handle them is an important part of growing up.
A couple of common emotions children might experience are anger and sadness. Anger can include: behaving badly, testing limits or breaking rules; tell parents ‘I hate you‘ or becoming disrespectful; blaming one or both parents for the situation; throwing temper tantrums or displaying other destructive behaviours, such as biting, hitting, fighting and kicking. Sadness can include not getting pleasure from activities children used to enjoy; persistently sad throughout the day; trouble sleeping at night; feeling tired or; lacking energy; easily upset and tearful.
While it is hard to see your child upset or hurting, it is important for them to have an opportunity to feel the sadness and anger. Try to avoid discounting, changing or covering up their feelings by saying things like ‘It’s not so bad’ or ‘It will all be okay’. School may have counselling services or other sources of support for your children.
It’s very important for children to know that they cannot fix or change what has happened in the family. When parents split up, children often mistakenly believe they are responsible. This sense of guilt usually increases when they are exposed to their parents arguing and fighting.