Thinking about your experiences of separation or divorce: a single event, or a process?

A report from the Nuffield Family Justice observatory back in 2022 put forward the idea that separation was not an event, but a process. This is something that we at Kent and Surrey Family Resolution attempt to recognise on our work together, supporting you navigate the change and look forward to a future, whilst also recognising the impact the past may be having.

The families studied in this report were going through divorce and separation. They described they had experienced a wide range of difficulties prior to divorcing and had exhausted attempts to resolve them before deciding to separate. It is at this point we may be meeting you and we are mindful of this in our approach, focussing on collaboration, and respecting the raft of emotions involved.

We recognise the report’s finding that the decision to separate came after a considerable relational effort, which may mean you feel a sense of exhaustion, grief and loss.

Although we assist you with legal formalisation we also note that your experience may be focussing more on the emotional impacts of living separately and attending to financial shifts or lifestyle changes.

We also recognise that often as children grow or needs change, there may be an ongoing need to revisit agreements. We listen to the voice of the child and recognise that children’s wishes may change over time during their growth and development. Children may sometimes want to spend more or less time with each parent. How parents relate and manage the separation will have a lasting impact on them, their attachments and emotional wellbeing. As children look to parents for stability and care, it becomes important to care and recognise your own needs, processing the end of the relationship.

We recognise the need for self-care and attention to yourself and your needs.

The report specifically mentioned that one key to being able to negotiate with previous partners or spouses is being able to remain regulated and manage any distress. Otherwise conflict and tension can become entrenched, making it more difficult to manage the divorce process. Managing your needs may mean offering space to yourself such as a private space to talk in counselling, making time to check-in with yourself and your wellbeing, doing things you enjoy, journalling, finding some outlet for creative expression.

These can all help ground and stabilise, providing an important survival kit to help navigate your divorce in a way which seems manageable to you.

You can read more about the Nuffield Family Justice Observatory and their report through this link.